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I'm not writing this to get any sympathy from anyone. I have plenty of support from my partner and family. I have people around me who understand and I'm so thankful for that. I'm writing this as a personal stepping stone to accepting the way I am, and not being afraid to let people see it on occasion.
I am, more often than not, very depressed. There. I said it. My gut is doing somersaults at the thought of clicking publish right now ...
I end up in tears at least once a day over nothing. I just have this sadness inside me that never goes away. Yes, it hides sometimes and opens the door for happiness on occasion, but it's always there. Lingering like a bad smell. Digging its claws into my back like a school bully trying to make my life difficult.
It gets worse when I write music. When I write music, I feel hollow. Writing music is not fulfilling for me, though, there is something that continually draws me to it. Something that makes me want to feel that hollowness. But let's look on the bright side. It makes for great songwriting, yeah? ;o).
I'm not going to go into much detail about what I feel. I think it's enough to simply say that I have dark days and leave it at that. I've learned to live with it. I have my own coping mechanism. It works. Though I do wonder how effective it is because I think I block too much of the real world out as a result. But, hey, that's a whole other kettle of fish.
I know I don't seem depressed on this blog. I fact, I think I do a damned good job of hiding it. But there is a reason I don't show that side of me on this blog, other than the simple fact that I don't want to burden my readers with melancholy content. I don't show that side of me because when I write, that thick, heavy sadness lifts. When I write I feel fulfilled. It is my medicine.
Thank you, Amy, for making me realize that it isn't so hard to talk about in public after all. And yes, as you can see, I did hit publish today. :o)
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